Tim’s 10 Turf Commandments

For Lent this year, I gave up hitting bad shots. But during a recent afternoon round, after finding my ball in a bunker — again — then leaving my recovery shot short — again — I let loose my best Sergio imitation, looking skyward and screaming “rat farts!”

At that instant there was a flash of light and a boom, followed by a loud voice from above that bellowed, “Enough, Tim. You’re not good enough to get mad. As your punishment, you shall go forth for 40 days and 40 nights (or until the next aerification, whichever comes first) and preach agronomic sensibility to the masses. Educate the uneducated, be they greenkeepers, everyday golfers, club managers or television announcers, and bring them into the fold. For only Mother Nature and I can control their course conditions and playing abilities.”

Then the clouds parted, the sun shone down, and I knelt on the Pro Angle Sand (hey, enough people think it’s “Angel”) and promised, “I will be the messenger of your insights, but I can’t promise everyone is going to listen.”

At which point a seagull grabbed my ball from the green, flew off, and dropped it in a lake.

Thus, with said revelation, I bring you: Tim’s 10 Turf Commandments

1. You will have only these Golf Gods before you. The true words are spoken by the USGA, the R&A, the PGA Tour, occasionally the PGA of America, and one week a year, the Lords of Augusta. But not LIV.
2. Thou shall not have false idols (sorry, Greg) Nor shall you follow any golf teams named HyFlyers, Majesticks, or Iron Heads. However, I do kinda like RangeGoats.
3. Thou shall follow the Rules of Golf, revised of otherwise. Or the Five Golden Rules, the revised and condensed Rules, simple Rules, or local Rules. The jury is still out on the new Model Local Rule. So many Rules … forget about it! Here’s the one and only Rule: Care for your course in the best way possible.
4. Thou shall not take the Lord’s name in vain even when three-putting from 5 feet. However, when my Poa control and pre-emerge herbicides don’t work, and spreading dollar spot continues to show itself late into fall, He certainly is going to be hearing from me.
5. Remember the Sabbath Day … but keep working. It would be nice if we could take Sundays off, spend some time with the family and find some way to commune with your deity of choice. But try saying you’re taking Saturday or Sunday off to your owners, green chairs and general managers as well as the 6:45 am foursome on the first, 10th and any other tee they can sneak onto.
6. Thou shall not kill … except for billbugs, mole crickets. nematodes, goosegrass, Pythium, Poa annua … you know your targets.
7. Thou shall not commit adultery and covet thy neighbor’s superintendent. Nor shall you covet his budget or equipment when your club is too cheap to increase the operating budget or pay you fairly.
8. Thou shall not steal your neighbor’s employees. Don’t raise your hourly wage to entice workers from nearby courses over to yours. Pay and pave your own way. Get creative with your financing. Open your wallets!
9. Thou shall not bear false witness and tell your members that your neighbor’s green speed is slower down-grain than yours is uphill. Or that the revered course down the street that never aerifies has greens like mush that are nowhere near as firm as yours, even after that thunderstorm.
10. Do not covet thy neighbor’s maintenance facility, green committee chair, staff, equipment or anything you see on TV at Augusta National. Continually strive to do better at what you do but be honest with yourself.

Also, don’t forget to honor your mother and father. My father is the reason I am in the golf business, and he is always with me. Thanks, Dad.

Spring has sprung. May everyone have a safe, blessed and cool summer season.