The 2023 Grainy Awards

Huh, what? Is the year over? I fell asleep somewhere during the Texas swing. Did I miss anything? Not much, you say? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Still, the selection committee was able to stay awake long enough to present the most prestigious awards in the world of golf agronomics. And the Grainys sleepingly go to …

Best Overall Picture: The Game of Golf.

Just a few years ago we were afraid this picture would bomb. But now we’re dealing with record rounds, more people than ever on our courses, and money — money everywhere. Not that much of it is finding its way back to maintenance departments, which leads to the next award ...

Worst Set Design: The Game of Golf, Part 2.

So, we all got what we said we wanted: The game is booming. Are you happy now? Probably not if you’re a superintendent, as we’re not being given enough resources or the labor to keep up with the rising demand. Course conditions around the country can be called “questionable,” with the question being, “Why aren’t they in better shape?” Too many golfers? Maybe. Owners and clubs trying to squeeze every cent out of the boom? Perhaps. Too much growth too fast? Hmmm. Forget closing the course for a full day for maintenance when there are tee times that could easily be sold. Forget regulating the amount of play. Don’t be surprised if next year’s Grainy for Worst Screenplay goes to “To Close or Not To Close.”

Best Supporting Actor: Michael Block.

The club professional from Arroyo Trabuco Golf Club, a daily-fee course in Southern California, became a household name for his stunning performance at the PGA Championship. (Pop quiz: Which was held where? Oak Hill. An extra half-day course closure if you remembered.) Block did a great deal to raise the profile of PGA professionals everywhere while giving a boost to the real backbone of the game: public golfers and public courses. Thanks for the warm and fuzzies, Mike, but remember, those 15 minutes of fame go fast!

Least Supported Actress: Courtney Myhrum.

Why did the Mother Ship blame a USGA Rules official for making an “incorrect call” one week after it happened? When Rory McIlroy allegedly took improper relief during the final round of the U.S. Open, the USGA insisted that he’d done nothing wrong and instead blamed Ms. Myhrum days later for having chosen the wrong point from which to start measuring the one-club-length relief area.

“What the referee deems here is bigger than any other shot this week,” said one writer.

“This is not luck,” said Nick Dougherty on Sky Sports. “This is beyond luck.”

Where were the rovers, rules chairman and support from the world’s best officials? Talk about improper relief …

Outstanding Cinematography: U.S. Women’s Open

It’s admittedly hard to screw up when Pebble Beach is the venue, but the stunning visuals plus an engaging champion brought well-earned attention to this often-overlooked event, nominally the crowning achievement in women’s golf.

Best, Worst, Most Overhyped and Most Monotonous Screenplay: LIV Golf

In this year of golf’s unprecedented growth, the lead story week after week was about unprecedented greed. Say what you want about LIV. What golfers and the general public talked about each week wasn’t who won their hard-to-follow tournaments, but the machinations, behind and in front of the scenes, as the various actors fought for attention and legitimacy. And the money? Even if you think the average pro golfer should earn 22 times what the average schoolteacher makes in this country, the amounts thrown at largely over-the-hill and under-the-radar pros “competing” for Greg Norman and the Saudis are obscene.

Best Unoriginal Story: Alan Shipnuck.

This golf scribe’s ongoing fascination with airing everyone’s dirty laundry except his own has gone on longer than Bernhard Langer’s career. After ripping the lid — and the scabs — off the Phil Mickelson story, Shipnuck dove into the mud pit that is LIV Golf with “LIV and Let Die: The Inside Story of the War Between the PGA Tour and LIV.” Let die, please.

Worst Costume Design: Joggers.

Last year it was hoodies. This year it’s joggers — “pants” that look more like pajamas. What’s next: cleats on bunny slippers?

Worst Sound Mixing: GCSAA Conference and Trade Show.

Are they not listening? Or is it just tone deafness? Either way, how can the GCSAA and its partners in the GCSAA Conference and Trade Show continue to justify taking our annual shindig to places most of us can’t afford? A February “vacation” in the country’s most desirable winter destinations — San Diego, Las Vegas, Phoenix — might be a nice expense-account boondoggle for vendors and past presidents, but for superintendents from munis and public links, it’s probably a big chunk of their maintenance budget.

Most Needed Sound Editing: “Championship”.

As in championship golf course. Every course, from the 9-hole course to the U.S. Open venue, hosts a number of “championships” every year for its dues-paying members or fee-paying customers. But that doesn’t make it a “championship” golf course, especially before it is even opened. Use the word all you want in promoting your facility, but know this: It’s meaningless until you host a national championship.

Cleverest Sound Editing: Jay Monahan.

When the PGA Tour commissioner and Governor of the Saudi Public Investment Fund announced the creation of a “new, yet-to-be-named for-profit company” that would end the Tour-LIV wars, they did so on CNBC. The official explanation was that it’s a business story, but it really seemed to be a way to sneak the news by the majority of the golf world, which is tuned to Fox News daily. Just one problem: Like so many treatments that Hollywood picks up, there’s no guarantee this one will ever hit the silver screen.

Worst Sequel: Phil Mickelson.

The way he flaps his gums, this might be “Jaws 4,” which is another continuing feature we never want to see. Every time “The Man Who Talked Too Much” opens “The Big Mouth,” I want to “Scream” (1-6). Two words: “Get Out.”

Most Need for Visual Effects: Superintendents as Photographers

“Get down and get close.” That’s what the late Jim Snow, director of the USGA’s Green Section, used to say. Don’t just point and shoot: Zoom in! Get as close as you can to take better photos of your course. My eyes are fading like my tee shots, and if you’re trying to highlight an element don’t stand 100 yards away.

Worst Short Subject: Rickie Fowler.

Short in stature, short putt, short sighted. Who concedes a 2½-foot putt to lose the Ryder Cup? You have to make him hole it, win or lose! Even if the outcome is determined. Do you think Seve would have conceded it?

Most Excruciating Long-Form Documentary: Ryder Cup Selection.

This isn’t just about Fowler, but Lucas Glover and Keegan Bradley made a valid point: If we are going into battle, select 12 warriors at the top of their game at that moment. Of course, who makes the team is a sequel nearly 100 years old. Don’t expect it to play out any time soon.

A True Lifetime Achievement Award.

Besides having to get the North Course at Los Angeles Country Club ready for the U.S. Open, Chris Wilson, director of golf course and grounds, planned a fitting tribute to a dear friend. A year earlier, Jeremy Dobson — Chris’ friend since fourth grade and the course superintendent at The Patriot Club in Tulsa, Oklahoma — was killed in a tragic car accident. Wilson turned Championship Sunday into a tribute to Dobson, dressing the grounds staff and volunteers in purple in homage to Jeremy’s beloved Wildcats and Kansas roots. The sea of purple painted a picture worth a thousand words.