The Return of Mayor McTurf

A few years back, I elected myself Mayor McTurf of Poaville. With this office comes great responsibility. For example, I am required to make fun of Johnny Miller at least six times a year. I’m also required to pretend to be able to tell the difference between side-by-side test plots of two new herbicide compounds. I will nod approvingly and say something like “it definitely smells efficacious” and hope it sounds smart.

But, as Mayor, I’m also authorized to issue proclamations and declarations to celebrate achievements or other notable moments in our happy little industry. Here are a few examples.

I hereby proclaim the Monday after the Masters as “Fuhgeddaboudit Day” in Poaville. In short, any golfer asking about green speeds, azaleas, divot-free fairways or otherwise unrealistically perfect conditions can be told to “Fuhgeddaboudit” without any fear of repercussion. You are encouraged to say it with a heavy Sopranos accent for extra impact.

The third week of July will henceforth be known as “Millennial Awareness Week.” This is when we all become better aware that Millennial employees are a huge pain in the ass. You can celebrate by giving out an award for the most creative “I can’t make it to work today because…” text or by calling their moms up to tell them their kids are not particularly exceptional and will probably never be good at anything unless they actually put out some effort. Ironically, I picked the third week of July because you will have already fired all your Millennials by then.

The Tuesday after Labor Day is now officially “Thank Your Best Salesperson Day.” Seriously, all of y’all have that one rep who always goes above and beyond for you. They’re the ones who always listen to your gripes. They’re the ones who will assess your agronomic problem and prescribe a solution that they don’t even sell because it’s the right thing to do. They’re also the ones supporting your chapter and you. There are, like it or not, way too many folks trying to sell stuff in this industry right now. Recognize the best ones, say thanks and vote for them with your budget.

February 30th will forever more be “Superintendent Bonus Day” when all of you Poaville citizens get that well-deserved fat bonus check that puts you on the same financial footing as the guys folding shirts. Make sure to watch your bank account closely on that very special day!

The month of November will now be known as “Holy Crap There Are Way Too Many Turf Conferences Month.” This proclamation recognizes the fact that trade shows – even the weakest, worst planned and execrably executed of them – never seem to die. Here’s the problem: we’ve created a business model that relies on selling trade show booths to fund lots of important stuff you want and need but you guys don’t go to the shows. I’m not kidding people. Either take these trade shows seriously and invest your time and attention in them or stop doing them and find a better way. And a note to trade show organizers: stop scheduling education and other activities during trade show hours. If you’re going to demand funds from exhibitors in return for the time and attention of your attendees, deliver the goods.

Every December 31, all golf facilities shall be required to Tweet, Post, Insta, Publish or otherwise Share how much they lost on Food & Bev operations for the year. This shall be known as “Reality Bites Day.”

February 13 is “You Damn Well Better Remember Valentine’s Day Day.” February 14 is “It’s a Trap! Don’t Believe Her When She Says Not to Get Her Anything Day.”

February 7 is “Everyone Is At GIS Day!” And by everyone, I mean about 2,000 supers and 10,000 people trying to sell them stuff.

Every other Wednesday shall be “Assistant Superintendent Appreciation Day.” Superintendents are reminded to show their appreciation by saying things like “I’d appreciate it if you’d go fix the broken head on 12 fairway” or “I appreciate you not sucking at your job.”

June 22 shall now be “Female Turf Professionals Day.” But the official day only lasts 18 hours instead of 24 because women usually only make 75 percent of what male counterparts get.

The second week of December shall be “For God’s Sake Take Care of Yourself Week” during which you’re required to get a physical, a skin cancer screening and (if you’re old like me) a colonoscopy. Not kidding.

Finally, today – June 1 – will eternally be known as “Jonesy Invents Another Column Out of Thin Air Just as the Magazine Goes to Press Day.” Celebrate accordingly!