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It’s time for the second annual Grainy Awards. It’s certainly been a year of wild theatrics in golf, roller coasting back and forth between soap opera and tragi-comedy. There’s been everything from failed coups, to anchors aweigh, rules infractions by the great and not-so-great, even critical reviews for the image of a near-inanimate object acting comatose on a schoolroom floor. With so much acting, shot producing, and even a little bit of make-up (Tiger and Stevie shaking hands), it’s time to get down to business. So with apologies to the Oscars, I’m borrowing some of their categories to award the year’s best cues and miscues.
Best Animated Feature:
Brandel vs Tiger
Self-confessed 4th-grade math-cheater Brandel Chamblee took on Tiger Woods, who apparently is in need of a Rules of Golf book stocking stuffer. Thankfully, this drama came to an end as quickly as it started. Too bad Chamblee had to turn in his card from the writer’s union while he remains an A-List performer.
Best Director:
Matt Shaffer, Golf Course Superintendent, Merion Golf Club
Shaffer took on an unprecedented (at least over the past three decades) project in a challenging location with many moving parts and unpredictable weather and proved the “little course that could” packed a big punch.
Best Documentary:
“The Deer Antler Spray Incident” starring Vijay Singh
Rated R for ridiculous
Best Original Score:
Dustin Johnson lands Wayne Gretzky’s daughter
Nothing more needs to be said! Let’s hope they make beautiful music together.
Best Sound Mixing:
Team USA at the Solheim Cup
The cacophony of whining and complaining became deafening about everything – from the Rules to the time of day to the sun coming up in the east – earned the team a special award for their remake of “The Ugly American.” Congratulations to Team Europe for exuding grace, class, and sportsmanship from start to victorious end. Their collective behavior earns them a nod for Best Silent Feature.
Best Animated Short Film:
“Dufnering”
Actually, it was more like un-animated. And the comedy hit of the season. Lead actor Jason Dufner also earned a nomination for best supporting actor following his heart-felt (butt-felt?) embrace of his wife’s rear projection at Oak Hill in the wake of his PGA Championship victory. (Yes Jason, they like you. They really like you. Her, too!)
Best Adapted Screenplay:
The Rules of Golf
Get me rewrite! The Rules of Golf were in the news more this year than any time in recent memory. From armchair analysts calling into the networks, to balls at rest moved, to 14-year-old Guan Tianlang being indoctrinated into the big leagues the hard way, even a couple of DQs thrown in for good measure, The Rules of Golf made headlines right to year’s end when the USGA and the R&A announced a whopping 87 changes to this venerable book. A Best Editing nomination is in the bag!
Best Adapted Screenplay:
Fox Sports
This award is being given in expectation that beginning in 2015 the golf audience will be treated to either a masterpiece or a mess when Fox takes on the U.S. Open. The hope is that future Opens will be more “That’s Entertainment” and less “Apocalypse Now.” Maybe they’ll try to illuminate the golf ball as they did the puck in hockey a few years back. For a billion dollars plus, they’ve got to come up with something.
And now, the big winners:
Best Director:
Ted Bishop, President, PGA of America
Considering the other “directors” he was up against, this award was a slam dunk for Bishop for his staunch defense of his constituents—PGA professionals—and for taking a firm stance against the anchoring ban proposed by USGA and R&A.
Best Actress in a Leading Role:
Inbee Park
She put on a great show in nearly every performance. Too bad no one came to the theaters to watch.
Best Actor in a Leading Role:
Phil Mickelson
Tiger Woods may be the Meryl Streep of this category (nominations nearly every year, occasional victories), but how could I not bestow the best actor award on Phil for his overseas heroics at the Scottish Open followed the next week at the British. His historic Sunday at Muirfield, with full family in tow, was easily the most memorable moment of 2013 for Phil and golf fans everywhere. And knowing Phil, his acceptance speech is still going on.
Tim Moraghan, principal, ASPIRE Golf (tmoraghan@aspire-golf.com). Follow Tim’s blog, Golf Course Confidential at http://www.aspire-golf.com/buzz.html or on Twitter @TimMoraghan
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Tim Moraghan
