15 ways to kill golf (Parting shots)

How many times have you met someone who said, “Oh, I used to play golf, but I quit because …”? They then give one of any number of reasons. You smile and simply change the subject.

Hey, good riddance, right? There are plenty more potential players where they came from. We don’t need ’em if they’re not committed to the game!

If you share that point of view, I’m here to help. As a public service, I’m happy to provide a list of 15 simple ways golf course operators can continue to drive those annoying, unwanted players away and continue to “refine” their markets. Here goes:

1. Make rounds longer. Casual players hate long rounds. (They usually make some lame excuse about having “lives” and “jobs,” whatever those are.) So, lengthen the course to at least 7,500 yards, keep the rough about six-inches high and make sure they have to spend a half-hour per hole looking for balls in uncleared wooded areas just off the fairway. Don’t forget to stagger tee times every four minutes to maximize their frustration during those long waits between shots on a packed course. Hey, everyone should enjoy spending six hours on the course, right?

2. Be kid-unfriendly. Someone wants his 7-year-old to go along with them during the round? That’ll be an extra green fee please. We certainly don’t want any ankle-biters enjoying the experience of being out on the course with mom or dad. Got rug rats who want to learn to play? Set up a junior golf program with sessions at times when it’s impossible for parents to get them there. Remember what W.C. Fields said: “Anyone who hates children and dogs can’t be all bad.” (Well, dogs actually are better than kids because they can make themselves useful by chasing geese.)

3. Don’t build any more nine-hole or executive courses. So what if the percentage of “entry-level” facilities has declined dramatically during the past 20 years? If a beginner wants to play this game, he damn well should get the full 18-hole experience. Oh sure, he’ll complain that it’s “intimidating” to play a big course his first few times out. Well, hey, there’s a putt-putt course up the street, pal. And people who whine about getting tired or not having five hours to kill should take up bowling or checkers or something.

4. Treat customers like the nuisances they are. Make sure to ignore anyone who’s not immediately familiar to you when he comes into the pro shop. Have your staff stand behind a huge desk and sneer at them. Never offer tips or advice. Hide the scorecards and pencils. (Those cost money!) Make sure your marshals are untrained and extra grumpy! Thirsty golfers want a drink of water on the course? Forget those nice clean water stations every couple of holes when there’s plenty for sale in the snack bar!

5. Require everyone to rent a golf car. God forbid anyone should associate the words “golf” and “exercise.” Special bonus: Charge them a “trail fee” if they want to walk.

6. Marketing, schmarketing. Advertising and promotion are completely unnecessary. Those guys who spend money trying to increase rounds, retain existing golfers or offer creative discounts to fill tee times in off-peak hours are suckers. If people really want to play at your golf facility, they’ll find you somehow. Oh, by the way, never create a Web site with easy-to-find contact information on it. If you have a Web site, make sure to hide the directions to your course on a page where no one will ever look.

7. Be directionally challenged. If you put up on-course signage (Why bother?), try to make it as confusing as possible to anyone who’s never visited your place before. It should be an adventure to find the first tee!

8. Accurate yardage markers? Hah! Good players will figure it out.

9. Live in a vacuum. Getting those bothersome letters and calls from local green industry officials about looming pesticide bans or other unreasonable regulations? Ignore them … they’ll stop eventually.

10. Assume that any problems are related to weather or the economy. It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the quality of your facility, your lack of marketing or the golf experience for customers. Don’t worry about it. Things will turn around on their own.

11. Arbitrarily cut the maintenance budget. Hey, who needs more revenue when you can just dial back expenses for that luxury turf stuff. Nobody pays that much attention to the quality of the conditions. Dandelions dotting your fairways? Kind of pretty, actually. Bare patches on the greens because fungicide spending was cut in half? Makes putting all that more challenging!

12. Eliminate headcount. Get rid of your overpriced, experienced superintendent and hire the kid who’s worked for him for a year. No downside to that!

13. Pay no attention to nongolf competition. Losing customers who say they can’t play because of family or work obligations? The last thing you should do is consider creative options such as “family golf” times, or setting up company or couples leagues. That would send a terrible message to your “regulars” – you know … the 12 old farts who show up once a week, buy virtually nothing and even have the nerve to complain about everything.

14. Don’t reinvest in your course. So what if things look a little shabby around the edges at your place? Sure, you’ve got a few busted ball-washers and an on-course restroom facility that would scare a hobo. Big deal. If they want to play at those fancy-schmancy new courses in the area, let them. And those other older courses that are regrassing, remodeling bunkers or putting in new irrigation systems are just throwing away money.

15. Education is for dummies. What could they possibly teach you at those seminars offered by the owners, superintendents or managers associations? You should cut those budgets right away. New ideas are overrated.

So, just follow these 15 simple rules and you, too, can help speed the demise of the game of golf and ensure your facility earns all the business it deserves. Good luck! GCN